Whatever Comes After

I sat at a table in the gym at my son’s school. At the other tables, there were a dog groomer, a police detective, someone from the state park maintenance crew, an archaeologist, and other community members. We were there for career day.

My topic was AI.

I’ve spent more than a decade working in artificial intelligence. In most rooms, the conversation covers the hype, the promise, and the fear of what AI is taking away. Today it was about the kids. About how, whatever path they found, AI would be part of it. How it could help them be creative, express ideas, and make things that hadn’t existed before.

I wanted to use it as an opportunity to talk to the teachers as well. They were as curious as the kids, maybe more so. They chose this work deliberately, and they took everything seriously, including this. Some were more comfortable with technology than others, and some were still trying to separate what they’d heard about AI from what it actually was. But they knew it was here. They knew their students would use it. And they understood, maybe more clearly than most, that for kids like theirs it could be something more than a productivity tool. It could be an enabler. A way in to things that had felt out of reach.

The first group of kids entered the room.

I had a sign on my table. My name is Dave. My son goes here. He’s in tenth grade. Ask me about AI.

When each group came over I’d ask their names, what grade they were in. I told them my son went to this school. I asked if they knew what AI was and offered the simplest explanation I could — using a computer to create something new. Then I told them my son had made a song using AI. That it was on Spotify and Apple Music. And I played it.

They listened. When it ended I told them there was no one playing instruments, no one singing. A computer made all of it.

I asked them if they wanted to create something.

With the younger ones I had cards with Mad Libs style prompts. They would fill in the words and I would enter them and we would watch their idea become an image. Their dog as a superhero. A hero with brown hair wearing armor made of green dragon scales. They were amazed at how it worked. The words going in, the image coming out, something that hadn’t existed a moment before. I also had a handout they could take home, with example prompts their parents could try with them.

The middle school kids didn’t need the cards. They came up with their own ideas. One wanted an image of something specific. Another wanted a training plan for a video game he was trying to get better at. They knew what they wanted to make. They just needed someone to show them the tool.

Some had already used ChatGPT. A few had used it for homework. One girl said she used it as someone to talk to.

That made me think about my son.

About the years he spent on the outside of social groups, wanting to be understood, not always finding the right person or the right moment. About what it would have meant to have something that would just listen. That wouldn’t get tired or distracted or move on. The adults in the room were thinking about AI in terms of what it might take from these kids. That girl was using it for something the adults hadn’t thought to offer her.

That’s always the interesting part. Not what the technology is supposed to do. What people actually do with it.

I was waiting at my station when a few of his teachers stopped by to tell me he had been excited about career day. That he had prepared questions. That he was ready.

When his group came in, he started at the far end of the gym. I watched him work his way around the room, stopping at each station, his piece of paper in hand. He was serious in a way that was hard not to notice. Not performing seriousness. Actually in it. Each presenter got his full attention.

Eventually he made his way to me. He had a wry smile when he arrived, like he had been saving something.

He asked me what I wanted to be when I was younger.

I told him I wanted to be a marine biologist for most of my life. That I was always good with computers and had my first one around age ten and started learning to program. That somewhere along the way the computers won.

He listened. He wrote something down.

We’ve had this conversation before. A few times, actually. It’s not one of the things his brain decided to store, so each time it comes back around it’s new to him. I don’t mind. I’ll answer it as many times as he asks.

He worked through the rest of his list until he was done. I watched him move on to the next table, his paper still in hand. And then it was over. I packed up my things and he walked back across the gym to join me.

As we walked to the car, I asked him how it went, and who he talked to, and what he learned. He was excited that he got to pet the dog. He was interested in the auto body shop, and I told him they were the ones who fixed the mirror on our car. I don’t know if he was looking at any of them as possibilities. I just loved that he was curious.

His school thinks about this deliberately. They talk about life after graduation as something to prepare for, not just something that happens. Giving kids a glimpse of what their futures could look like, what’s out there, what questions are worth asking. They’re educating the whole child. The curiosity. The encouragement to chase it. The bravery to follow through. That’s how they do it.

He showed up with questions. He asked every one of them and left curious about something new.

Whatever comes after, that’s a place to start.

Learning to Separate Grades and Self-Worth

I love my son’s school. I’m grateful every day for what they’ve done for him. He’s had many of the same teachers for years, and this is the first year the school expanded to 10th grade. My son is part of that first cohort, which made our first 10th-grade parent–teacher conference feel like a milestone.

When his homeroom teacher started talking, something tightened in my chest—because she wasn’t talking about grades at all. She was talking about him.

I don’t remember my mom going to conferences when I was growing up. What I do remember is bringing home my report card, as if I were handing over a verdict. Straight As weren’t celebrated—they were expected. Anything less felt like disappointment and shame, from both the people around me and myself. The focus was always on performance.

That pressure fed my perfectionism. At school, and then at work, it felt like I was constantly being graded—on every email, every meeting, every interaction. It wasn’t about getting better; it was about avoiding failure. Anything less than perfect wasn’t “something to improve next time.” It was proof that I wasn’t enough.

My son’s school feels like the opposite of that. They use grades to track progress, but grades aren’t the focus. He is.

And with the right support, he’s thriving. He’s doing math. Writing paragraphs. Learning skills we weren’t sure he’d ever be able to do until we found this place—this environment that encourages him, believes in him, and helps him believe in himself. He feels capable.

His new homeroom teacher told me how he encourages other students. How he volunteers to show them they can do it. How he asks thoughtful, timely questions on their community field trips. She said he feels like a leader.

Hearing that felt like healing something in me I didn’t even know was still hurting.

My son is proud when he gets good grades, but he’s just as proud when he gives his best effort, even if the grade isn’t perfect. He sees value in trying. I never learned that. I tied my worth to my performance. Anything less than perfect felt like failure. And letting myself be proud felt like giving up on perfection.

Watching him, I’m learning—slowly—to separate my performance from my identity. To recognize that being imperfect doesn’t make me a failure. That I can be a good, caring person even when I make mistakes. That disappointment doesn’t have to become a shame spiral reinforced by old messages from my childhood.

My son is learning what I didn’t learn until adulthood: that effort matters, growth matters, and who you are is more than any grade. And I’m learning it, too, because of him.

Fine.

On days when I work from home, I like to pick my son up from school. I sit in the line of cars slowly making their way to the exit and wait for the teacher to send him out.

As he walks toward the car, he looks exhausted most days. School asks more of him each year—more performance, more endurance, more emotional regulation, and more social navigation.

He throws his backpack into the back of the car and plops down in the front passenger seat.

“Hi, pal. How was school?” I ask.

“Fine.”

That’s it.

Fine. One word. One syllable. Full stop.

“Well, what did you do in…” and I’ll rotate through his subjects.

Sometimes I get a short answer, but most of the time he says he doesn’t remember.

As a parent, it’s frustrating. I can see that he’s tired, but I don’t want him to think that—by not asking how his day went—I don’t care. I genuinely want to know how his day was, what he did, and what he learned. I’m curious about his experiences and want to understand more about what he does and how he sees the world.

Additionally, my son struggles with his memory, so I feel pressure to ask the question right away—for a chance to hear any details before they fade. If I don’t get an answer, it feels like I’ve lost the opportunity to connect with him. It becomes an unmet need when his answer feels like it shuts the door.

But that’s my need.

His need, after working so hard all day just to get through it, is not to engage in that moment.

I recently read an article about how school is harder for kids today, and something clicked.

It may seem simple, but a genuine answer to the “how was school today” question requires considerable effort and decision making to synthesize information from a busy day.

When my son gets in the car, he’s not just carrying books in his backpack. He’s carrying the weight of every demand he had to meet. He’s carrying the exhaustion from seizure-disrupted sleep. He’s carrying the side effects of his medication. He’s used up every bit of energy just to make it through the day.

“Fine” isn’t a brush-off. It’s an exhausted plea for peace.

The article offered a simple but powerful suggestion:

Consider the purpose. Ask yourself whether you want to gather information or simply connect with your child.

As much as it feels urgent to gather information about his day—as a way to connect—it often does the opposite. It leaves me frustrated and leaves him more drained, trying to process my question, reach into his memory, and find the right words. Instead of connecting, in those moments, we drift farther apart.

My goal, always, is to connect with him.

I want him to know I’m happy to see him. I want him to know that I feel lucky to be able to pick him up. I want him to know that I see him. I want him to know that I appreciate how hard he worked to make it through the day and that I hope he’s proud of himself, because I am.

Instead of starting with a question that requires him to do more work, maybe I will start with a statement. Maybe one of those.

Or maybe I’ll just tell him how lucky I am to be his dad.