It’s easy to let denial take the lead. If we make it a day or a week without any seizures, it’s easy to let what is happening to my son fall to the back of my mind. There are moments when I let myself believe that we made it through it, that we figured it out and that the seizures are gone. Even if it’s just for a moment or an hour or a morning, I welcome the ignorant bliss that denial carries with it and pretend that this is not happening to my son.
The problem with denial, though, is that it doesn’t last forever.
Even without seizures, there are daily reminders that destroy the illusion. There are the pills that fill his tiny hands each morning and night that try to keep the seizures at bay. There is the diet that wreaks havoc on his body and takes away his freedom to enjoy the terribly delicious food that other kids take for granted. There are the behavior and attention issues that come with his condition and the side effects of his medication. There are the days when his balance is off, and when he falls a lot…a glance at his constantly bruised shins serve as his battle scars.
It’s hard to be in denial when you’re confronted with the effects of epilepsy and seizures every day. Ignoring these effects or simply wishing that things were different isn’t enough to keep reality from bleeding in to the fantasy. No matter how hard I try to keep it afloat, this denial bubble always bursts and sends me crashing back to earth. My shins are bruised, too, from bending over to pick him up off the ground. My heart is bruised from watching this happen to my sweet, innocent, and special boy.
The problem with denial is that it doesn’t last forever.
Reality always wins.