Tag: future

A Step Back From the Edge

I used to feel like I was already over the edge.

Not standing near it. Not testing it. Over it.

There were stretches where it felt like I was constantly catching myself mid-fall. Managing medications. Managing schedules. Managing finances. And at the same time, bracing for volatility. Wondering what I was walking into at the end of the day — whether it would be a call from school, a number on a bill, or a silence that meant something had already shifted.

It wasn’t dramatic in the moment. It was just normal. That’s what makes it harder to recognize in hindsight. I was in freefall and calling it responsibility.

My son still had seizures. My goddaughter still struggled. Work still pressed. But layered over all of it was instability. The kind that keeps your nervous system activated even when nothing specific is happening. The kind that makes you feel like collapse is always a few inches away.

I hate heights.

If I look over the side of a building, my body reacts before my mind does. There’s a queasy suspension. A sense that gravity is closer than it should be. That feeling used to live in my chest most days. Not because catastrophe was constant, but because it was always possible.

The edge is still there.

My son still has seizures. A cold still increases risk. My goddaughter is still medically fragile. Work is still work. The debt is still heavy.

But I’m not over it anymore.

I’m a step or two back.

I can see the drop. I don’t like it. I don’t pretend it isn’t there. But I’m standing on solid ground. The weight I’m carrying feels steadier. It doesn’t swing the way it used to.

That’s the difference.

The risk hasn’t vanished. The responsibility hasn’t lessened. The uncertainty hasn’t resolved.

What’s changed is the footing.

I’m not bracing for the next shove. I’m not scanning every moment for signs of collapse. I’m not ending each day with the sense that I barely made it through.

I’m standing.

Close enough to respect the edge. Far enough back to move deliberately.

The edge isn’t gone.

But I’m not falling anymore.

Still a Hockey Player

My son wants to be a hockey player again.
Actually, he’s wanted to be a hockey player for most of his life.

Hockey has always been part of his identity. He had a hockey stick in his hands as soon as he could stand. He left the hospital with an NHL toque on his head. One of my earliest memories of him is lying on a couch in a hospital room a day or two after he was born, him asleep on my chest, a hockey game on the television.

Before the seizures.
Before we knew what was coming.

When he was little, we played hockey in the living room with miniature sticks and a foam ball. We took turns as players and goalies. We went to an outdoor rink near our house with sticks and a ball and played one on one.

One time, there were other people there—teenagers, I think. One of them was a goalie. He let my son take shots on him. Let a few go in. My son was three or four. This was still Colorado. Still before everything changed.

He started skating when he was two. He joined “Intro to Hockey” when he was about four. Right before we moved to Pennsylvania. Right before the seizures started.

Right before we knew what we were carrying forward.

Once his seizures were somewhat under control—though never eliminated—we tried again. We went back to skating. We worked on stick handling off the ice. But even that eventually became too much. Then COVID hit, and everything stopped.

When we moved to the suburbs and the world slowly opened back up, we tried skating lessons again. But they were exhausting for him. His ankle strength wasn’t there. His stamina wasn’t there.

Eventually, we stopped.

But hockey never really went away.

A few years ago, he brought up the idea of being in the NHL. We talked about how it wasn’t something he could safely pursue. With his health challenges and the fact that he still has seizures, the risks of hockey make it unsafe.

We tried to name other ways hockey could still be part of his life. Other ways to love the game and stay close to it.

We watch hockey. He loves his Avalanche. We went to an NHL Finals game—his Avalanche versus my Tampa Bay Lightning. The Avalanche won 7–0 and went on to win the Stanley Cup.

Two facts my son reminds me of constantly.

A few weeks ago, he told me he’s been practicing hockey every day. Because that’s one of the things we always talk about when people eventually make it to the NHL—how much work they put in before anyone noticed.

He asked me whether he should be a player or a goalie.

He’s been wearing his Avalanche jersey again. Drawing players. Talking about teams. He understands that he might not get to choose which team signs him.

Now I have to talk to him again.

That’s the hard part. Not the safety. Not the medical reality. The sense that something meaningful may be slipping out of reach.

I ask myself whether I’m wrong for not letting him live in the fantasy of it. Whether I should just let it sit there, untouched.

But he’s sixteen. And I don’t want him chasing something that can’t hold him safely. I want him chasing something that asks a lot of him. Something that’s still hard. Something that still matters. But something that’s possible.

Working toward an NHL career isn’t something he can do safely. But there may be other ways for hockey to remain part of his life. Other paths that keep the game close.

I don’t need those paths to replace his dream. I just need them to exist.

This isn’t a conversation I can rush. Or solve. Or make painless. It’s something I have to sit with him in, and return to as he grows and changes.

I know I’m not the one who set these limits. I know where they come from.

All I can do is stay with him as he bumps up against them, and not look away.

Not a Map, but Landmarks

I’ve spent a lot of time lately telling myself that I don’t have a map.

That’s been true, and in some ways, it’s been comforting. A map suggests routes and timelines and destinations. It suggests confidence. It suggests that someone knows how this is supposed to go.

I don’t.

But as the weeks pass, I’m realizing that even without a map, landmarks are coming into view.

There are dates on the calendar now. Not dramatic ones, and not ones I want to narrate in detail, but meaningful ones. Moments where things that have been suspended will start to settle. Where uncertainty will narrow, even if it doesn’t disappear.

I still don’t know how all of this will look when it’s finished. I don’t know the exact shape of my days or where everything will land. There are decisions I haven’t made yet, and some I won’t be able to make alone.

But there are things I do know.

I know I want custody. I know I want stability for my kids. I know that taking care of my family comes first, even when it’s hard and even when it’s expensive. I know that the debt and the mess left behind don’t get ignored just because they’re uncomfortable. They get faced, one step at a time.

I know that whatever comes next has to fit the reality I’m in now, not the life I imagined a few years ago. I’m not trying to rebuild an old version of things. I’m trying to build something that can actually hold.

Those aren’t plans. They’re not strategies. They don’t tell me how any of this will work.

They’re landmarks.

They’re fixed points I can orient toward when everything else feels vague. They tell me which direction matters, even if I don’t yet know the route. They help me decide what gets my energy and what doesn’t, what I’m willing to compromise on and what I’m not.

For a long time, I thought maps came first, and movement followed. Now I’m learning that sometimes it works the other way around. Sometimes you move carefully, paying attention, until enough of the landscape reveals itself enough to sketch something resembling a path.

I’m not there yet.

But I don’t feel lost in the same way I used to. I can see what I’m walking toward, even if I can’t see how to get there. That has been enough to keep me moving through the uncertainty without rushing past it.

Maybe the first map isn’t routes or timelines or answers.

Maybe it’s priorities.

For now, these landmarks are enough. They give me a way to stand inside what’s coming without pretending I’m ready for all of it. They remind me that not knowing the details doesn’t mean I’m directionless.

It just means I’m still on the way.