So much of my life runs on routine.
On weekday mornings I wake up early without an alarm. I let the dogs out and feed them, then head to the basement to work out. After, I make coffee and go upstairs to write, the dogs settling into a chair or the couch in the office while I play my writing playlist.
After writing I shower and get dressed, then go back downstairs to pack lunches, swap yesterday’s pill container for today’s, and refresh my coffee before starting my workday.
How the night went determines when I wake my son. I go into his room, dogs close behind, and we sit on his bed. The dogs start licking his face. I make silly jokes. He pretends to still be asleep even though I can see the corner of his mouth starting to curl. Then he wakes up.
I work while he has breakfast and gets dressed. We get a song or two in on the way to school, then I head to the office. I leave in time to pick him up and finish my workday from home, then dogs, dinner, cleanup, bed.
Sundays are for medication, pills laid out on a paper towel while I drink my coffee. Spaghetti Sundays. Taco Tuesdays, though it’s usually quesadillas.
On weekends I play tennis. When I’m done, I take a longer route home than the one I take to get there, specifically so I can stop by Wawa for a soda. Soda was always a big treat for him when he was on keto, and it’s a concession I still make even though he’s on a regular diet now. Wawa is special because he can get a larger size and mix flavors in the machine, usually some combination of Dr. Pepper varieties.
I played tennis today. I found myself taking the long way home out of habit. It wasn’t until I saw the Wawa sign that I remembered he isn’t home. He’s visiting his mother out west.
There was no reason to take the long way. No one waiting for a soda.
It made me sad in a way I didn’t expect from something this small. Not the missing him part, I expected that. The part that caught me off guard was how little my body cared that he was gone. The route still knew where to go. The habit was already running before I had a chance to think about it.
It’s been less than a week.
I don’t know what to do with that except notice it. The routines built around him don’t know he’s away yet. They’re still reaching for him out of muscle memory, the way a hand still reaches for a glass that isn’t there.
I’ll probably do it again. Take the long way without thinking, remember halfway through, keep going anyway because turning around feels like its own kind of strange.
Eventually, the habit will catch up to the absence. I’m not in a hurry for that to happen.
