Category: parenting

Not His Thing

I read about a hundred books a year. Most of them are audiobooks, which I get for free through the local library. It’s one of those habits that has been with me since I was young, the library as a place, the books as company. My goddaughter is also a reader, and a few months ago we got her a library card. Usually she reserves books online and I pick them up on my way back from school drop-off. But occasionally we’ll go together to browse.

A few weeks ago the library had a book sale. My goddaughter and I left with bags. My son came with us and looked around, but I could see pretty quickly that he wasn’t having a good time. The sale was crowded and overwhelming. Books are hard for him. Reading is hard, comprehension is hard, and a room full of them without a clear purpose is a lot to navigate.

We went back this past weekend, the three of us. No sale this time, just browsing. While my goddaughter moved through the poetry section, I took my son to the computer to look up Rocket League and eSports books. Nothing in stock. We walked over to the gaming section. Nothing caught his eye. But the drawing section was right next to it, and he knew I liked to draw, so he pointed it out to me. That’s who he is.

He was a good sport. He tried. But he was miserable and I could see it.

I walked over and put my arm around him. “This isn’t your thing,” I said.

“Not really,” he said.

“Go sit in one of the chairs and use your phone.”

He found a chair and opened his chess app.

He picked up chess from me. I was playing for a while and he got curious, the way he does. Then Duolingo added chess and gamified it and he had his own relationship with the game. Now he does the lessons and the challenges on his own. We’ll play each other on our phones when we’re waiting at appointments, or sitting for the thirty minutes after his allergy shots. Sometimes we’ll pull out the board and play at home.

Just like that, he was fine.

I watched him for a second before heading back into the stacks. There was something about seeing him settle in that felt right. Not because he had given up, but because he didn’t have to pretend anymore. I worry sometimes that when we do things like this, he thinks he’s disappointing me. That his not being into something I love means he’s falling short somehow. Saying it out loud felt like giving him permission to just be where he was.

Reading has always been a challenge for him. It has to be something he’s genuinely interested in to get him over the hurdle. A Fortnite magazine, a Minecraft guide, something with pictures and a clear purpose. It helps when I read to him, doing the voices, making the connections, reminding him who the characters are and what happened before. Without that scaffolding, it’s a lot to hold.

I think sometimes about what it would be like if reading weren’t so hard for him. Not because I need him to love books. Plenty of people don’t, and that’s fine. But when something is hard, you know it’s hard. He knows it’s hard. And I wonder sometimes what it costs him to be in a place like this, surrounded by something that doesn’t come easily, watching the people he’s with light up over something he can’t quite reach.

It’s not about books. It’s about things being harder for him than they should be. That feeling surfaces in different places. This weekend it surfaced in a library.

He found a chair. I went back to the stacks. My goddaughter kept reading.

It doesn’t run smoothly yet. I’m helping her navigate, checking on him, not really lost in the shelves the way I’d be on my own. But there’s something there. A place where each of us can find our version of being there. Him with his chess. Her with her books. Me somewhere in between, figuring it out as we go.

We’re not there yet. But we’re going.

Nothing, Again

A few years ago, we did genetic testing for the first time. An exome sequencing — not the full genome, but a significant portion of it. They found a variation in the PRICKLE1 gene, which is associated with epilepsy. It looked like it might be something.

It wasn’t.

We were told the science was always advancing. New connections were being made between genetic variations and conditions like his. It would be worth revisiting in a few years.

So we did.

This time it was the whole genome. All three of us — my son, his mom, and me. The test looked for epilepsy markers, indicators connected to intellectual disability, and secondary findings in areas like heart and cancer risk. The technology had advanced. The dataset was larger. There was more to look at than there was last time.

I didn’t go in with much hope. Not because I’ve given up, but because I know where we are. My son is sixteen, and we’re twelve years into our epilepsy journey. We’ve tried most of what there is to try. We know his condition better than most people ever know anything. A clearly-named cause wouldn’t open new treatment doors at this point. It would just be a name.

What I was actually hoping for was not to hear something worse. There are types of epilepsy with harder trajectories than the one we’re already on. A result isn’t always good news. Sometimes it reframes everything you thought you understood.

I got a voicemail from the genetic team. I called back and left one of my own. A few days passed. Then they called me at work.

The call lasted for about five minutes.

The epilepsy markers and the intellectual disability indicators. Nothing found.

She asked if I had any questions. I didn’t.

The secondary findings came back clear for all three of us. No elevated markers for heart conditions. No increased cancer risk. That was genuinely good news. It landed as good news. I noticed that it did.

At the end of the call, she said that science is always advancing. New connections are being made. She said we should revisit in two years.

I recognized the closing. It was the same one from last time, when the PRICKLE1 variation turned out to be nothing. We’ll keep looking. Check back when the data has caught up.

I said thank you. I hung up. I went back to work.

That’s the part I keep coming back to. Not the results. It’s how quickly I moved on. There was a time when a call like that would have carried weight for days. The waiting, the callback, the five minutes of someone telling me we still don’t know. That used to be an event.

Now it’s just a Wednesday.

I don’t know if that’s peace or just distance. I don’t know if I’ve made my peace with the uncertainty or if I’ve just stopped expecting it to resolve. Those aren’t the same thing, even if they look similar from the outside.

What I know is this. He is who he is, named or unnamed. The cause doesn’t change the kid. It doesn’t change what we do tomorrow, or next week, or when the next appointment comes.

In two years, we’ll do it again. We’ll see what the science has found by then.

Until then, we’ll keep doing what we’re doing. Living our lives. Hoping the science advances. Hoping for new medications, new treatment options. Hoping his DBS continues to provide more benefit. Doing what we’ve been doing since the last time we sat down for this test.

Living, and waiting.

In that order.

When He Looks at Me

I’ve noticed it for a few years now.

He’ll say something, or try out a joke, or make an observation about something we’re watching, and then he’ll look at me. Not a glance. A look. He holds it for a beat longer than most people would, waiting for something to come back.

I noticed it gradually, the way you notice most things about your kids. Not a single moment but a pattern that eventually became impossible to miss.

I tested it once or twice. Not in a mean way. There were moments where I could smile without making eye contact, could let the beat pass without responding, and I’d feel him still looking. Holding. Waiting. A few seconds longer than felt accidental.

I asked him about it once. Why do you do that?

He didn’t know. That’s true for a lot of things he does when you ask him why. The awareness required to answer that kind of question hasn’t fully arrived yet, and may take time, and may look different when it does.

So I’ve been left to wonder on my own.

Part of it is probably simple. He wants to see if he made me laugh. He wants to know what I think about what he just said. That’s not unusual for a teenager, or for anyone. We look at the people who matter to us to see how we’re landing.

But I carry my own history into everything I observe, and I can’t always separate what I’m seeing from what I’m afraid of seeing.

I was made to feel small. Not by one thing, but by enough things over enough years that I spent a long time wondering if I mattered. If I was visible. If anyone was actually registering that I was in the room. I know what it feels like to look for confirmation that you exist, and I know how much energy that takes, and I know what it costs over time.

When I see my son hold that look, I feel two things at once.

I want him to feel seen by me. That part is easy. I am always looking. I notice everything. He does not have to wonder whether I’m paying attention, whether his jokes land with me, whether I think what he said was interesting or funny or true. I am here. I see him.

But I also want more than that for him.

The world was not built for him. That’s something I’ve written about before and something I think about constantly. People with his needs are often invisible in the systems and spaces they move through. He has to work harder to be noticed, harder to be understood, harder to be taken at full value rather than reduced to what he struggles with.

He is so much more than what he struggles with.

He is kind and funny and specific and stubborn in the best way. He has opinions about hockey teams and strong feelings about Fortnite and he named our dog after a winning moment in a video game. He looks at his father to see if a joke landed, and when it does, the satisfaction on his face is complete.

I don’t want that looking to come from the same place mine did. I don’t want him scanning faces for proof that he’s real. I want him to know, without having to check, that he is seen.

Not for what he carries. For who he is.

Maybe that’s all he’s doing when he looks at me. Maybe he just wants to see me laugh. Maybe it’s nothing more than that, and I’m the one making it heavy.

I hope so.

But I keep looking back.