Tag: life

  • The Empty Basket

    The Empty Basket

    I’ve been listening to a book called Mattering. One of the early chapters is about the weight that comes from someone depending on you, and what happens when that weight disappears. The author tells the story of a woman who cared for her elderly mother for years. When her mother passed, she didn’t just grieve the loss. She grieved something more specific. The absence of being needed in that particular way, every day, by someone who depended on her for it.

    I recognized something in that. Not the same loss, but the same shape.

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  • Pick a Hand

    Pick a Hand

    I was at my desk when he walked in.

    He had something behind his back. He told me to pick a hand, which is something we’ve done forever — the other person always swaps the item to the other hand at the last second, holds it out, says “oh well.” I stopped what I was doing and turned toward him in my chair.

    I knew what this was.

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  • The Long Way

    The Long Way

    So much of my life runs on routine.

    On weekday mornings I wake up early without an alarm. I let the dogs out and feed them, then head to the basement to work out. After, I make coffee and go upstairs to write, the dogs settling into a chair or the couch in the office while I play my writing playlist.

    After writing I shower and get dressed, then go back downstairs to pack lunches, swap yesterday’s pill container for today’s, and refresh my coffee before starting my workday.

    How the night went determines when I wake my son. I go into his room, dogs close behind, and we sit on his bed. The dogs start licking his face. I make silly jokes. He pretends to still be asleep even though I can see the corner of his mouth starting to curl. Then he wakes up.

    I work while he has breakfast and gets dressed. We get a song or two in on the way to school, then I head to the office. I leave in time to pick him up and finish my workday from home, then dogs, dinner, cleanup, bed.

    Sundays are for medication, pills laid out on a paper towel while I drink my coffee. Spaghetti Sundays. Taco Tuesdays, though it’s usually quesadillas.

    On weekends I play tennis. When I’m done, I take a longer route home than the one I take to get there, specifically so I can stop by Wawa for a soda. Soda was always a big treat for him when he was on keto, and it’s a concession I still make even though he’s on a regular diet now. Wawa is special because he can get a larger size and mix flavors in the machine, usually some combination of Dr. Pepper varieties.

    I played tennis today. I found myself taking the long way home out of habit. It wasn’t until I saw the Wawa sign that I remembered he isn’t home. He’s visiting his mother out west.

    There was no reason to take the long way. No one waiting for a soda.

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  • The Walk Back

    The Walk Back

    I just dropped my son off at the airport.

    Six weeks.

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  • The Shape of Things

    The Shape of Things

    The longest that I’ve ever been apart from my son is about a week.

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