Wall Of Limitations

This summer, my son participated in a week-long baseball camp. We knew it would be physically demanding so we spoke with the coaches before we registered him to make sure that he could rest and leave early if he needed it. It’s a phone call we have made before and will likely make many times in the future that serves two purposes. First, it helps us make sure that our son will be safe. And second, it identifies any places not willing to make accommodations for people who need them, which is not a place we want to be.

My son’s nanny took him on the first day and the coaches welcomed him to the camp. He managed to stay for half the day but then took a three-hour nap when he got home. But he had fun and he made friends. The second day was much the same with a long nap after a shortened day.

By the third day, he didn’t want to go. He was noticeably tired but he managed to make it out the door. His nanny coaxed him on to the field and, after almost thirty minutes, one of the coaches managed to finally get my son to participate. He left early again that day.

On the last day of camp, we planned to let him stay all day because they were going to play a game. His nanny made sure he took frequent breaks and he made it through the day and finished the camp with a smile.

The end of the camp coincided with the Little League World Series. I watched the grueling tournament and wondered, given how the camp went, whether my son could do anything like that. By now, I don’t have any grand vision of him playing in the major leagues, but I do want him to continue to play something that gives him joy and that makes him feel like a part of a team.

It made me think that someday we’re going to run into a wall of limitations. We’ve faced small ones before, but we’ve managed to pass them mostly by watching our son climb over them. We’ve managed to keep our distance from larger walls by adjusting our path. We swapped hockey for baseball. We learned to work around his physical and endurance issues. But we haven’t been faced with consciously confronting the difference between possibility and probability. Potential versus practical. Fantasy versus reality. We haven’t faced the wall that was once on the horizon but is now uncomfortably close.

And every day we are moving closer. It’s starting to block our view to the world behind it. I’m beginning to wonder what we will do when we reach it. Will it be too big and stop us in our tracks? Will it be too overwhelming and send us back the way we came? Or will we do what we have always done and follow our son as he finds a way to climb it, even though we know there will be an even bigger wall behind this one?

August 28, 2018
Invisible In Plain Sight

I stepped on to the street on my way to work. As I joined the flow of foot traffic, I saw a young man walking quickly ahead of me. I say “walking”, but he was bouncing more than he was walking. I didn’t see any of the earphones that I and most of my fellow pedestrians were wearing, but he was moving as if he had a soundtrack playing in his head that lightened his steps.

I noticed him because he was so different from everyone else on the street. He was a tall, young African American teen wearing a bright blue t-shirt surrounded by an army of mostly white business people dressed in muted black, brown, or blue. He head was up as he looked at the world around him while that world was looking down at their feet or at their phones.

When he stopped at a crosswalk, I got close enough to see that he would sometimes raise his hands and sign to no one in particular. It was as if he was signing the lyrics to the song in his head. Like when the chorus of a really good song comes on and you find yourself singing along, even if only in your head. From half a block away, this young man looked like joy personified walking up the street.

The light turned green before I could catch up to him. He danced through the intersection and on his way. As he did, I saw that he would occasionally wave to people passing in the opposite direction. Even from my distance, I could see a big smile on his face. But no one that he waved to reacted. They kept their head down. They looked at their phones. They looked the other way.

Maybe they didn’t see him. Maybe they were busy. Maybe they were really interested in whatever was on their screen. Maybe they were scared. Or maybe they just couldn’t be bothered. We live in a big city and I see people ignoring the world around them and everyone in it all the time.

I thought that maybe the young man had a disability because he was signing. Or maybe he was just different than, in color and age and general attitude, the other people on the street. But watching how the young man was being ignored made me think of my son.

Epilepsy is often called an “invisible” condition because it lacks physical markers, but there can be signs. We’ve had more than a few people ask us politely “Is there something wrong with him?” after they spend time with our son. He’s noticeably different in a self-centered world that doesn’t seem to have a place for people that are different. We talk about diversity and inclusion but we look the other way when it is our turn to act…when it is our turn to accept someone who is different from us.

Invisibility isn’t a superpower. It’s a symptom of a larger problem.

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I watched the world look away from that young man on the street. I saw the world unwilling to acknowledge another human being. I don’t want that for my son but I don’t know what to do about it. I wish I could change the world. I wish I could make it more accepting, more forgiving, more tolerant, more open, more aware. But we’re heading in the wrong direction. I fear that the only thing that I can do is prepare my son for the road ahead.

But then I turned my attention back to the young man. I could see, as he waved to the next person, that he was smiling. Even with the world ignoring him, he was walking with a bounce in his step and smiling. He would wave at another person. And then another. And he would keep smiling. I watched him not slow down, not shy away, and keep moving forward. I thought of my son then, too, because he has that same persistence, the same drive to bring joy to the world. And for a brief moment, I felt hope.

I never caught up to him, but I wish I could tell that young man that he brightened at least one person’s morning that day.

August 14, 2018
It Doesn’t Get Easier

It was pitch black in the cabin as I laid in the bed next to my son. I was asleep but found myself instantly awake, alert and staring up towards the ceiling the ceiling. There was no movement and no sound, but I knew what was coming. The reason that I was awake was that my son started to have a seizure. That initial moment when my son’s body tightened was enough to pull me from my sleep. What came next was the rhythmic tensing of his muscles and the accompanying moaning as the air was expelled from his lungs and crossed his vocal chords.

I turned to him the same way I always do and told him he was going to be ok. I rubbed his back and head until the seizure passed. Then I rearranged his body that had shifted during the seizure so that his head rested on the pillow so that he could return to sleep.

Some nights, these seizures seem so routine that I can easily fall back to sleep, too. I switch on my autopilot and replay the same actions to comfort him and reposition him in bed. Once he is sleeping, my autopilot guides me safely back to my own dreams.

The night in the cabin was not one of those nights. Instead, I laid in bed next to my son and felt a rush of sadness wash over me. In the four years that he has been having them, I have seen hundreds of seizures. Including subclinicals, he’s had thousands. Seizures and epilepsy are intertwined with every decision we make. We’ve been living with them so long that I thought it would get easier to see them. But it hasn’t. Each seizure brings me back to that first one. Those feelings of helplessness. They’re still there.

During the day, it’s not seizures. It’s his struggling to find words. It’s his inability to remember what he did the day before. It’s him guessing at the right thing to say or do because his brain won’t make that connection for him. It’s him constantly saying sorry because his brain lets him down.

It’s hard to not watch my son struggle and feel sad. As he stumbles over words to find the one he wants, it tears me up inside. I want to help him. I want to make it easier. I want to say the word for him so that he doesn’t struggle. But I know that he needs to find it himself. He needs to practice. So I smile and wait for him to find that word and try not to let my face betray the emotions I feel inside.

Things are supposed to get easier the more you do them. Things are supposed to get easier the more you are exposed to them. We’re four years in but, while we have grown and are better capable of handling the mechanical motions of dealing with seizures, it still breaks my heart.

Every day we are faced with the reality of what epilepsy is taking from my son. Every day, we see seizures and the physical, cognitive, and emotional toll that epilepsy is taking on him. And every day ends knowing that we’re going to go through it again the next day.

It doesn’t get easier. Not really.

August 7, 2018
Planning For The Short Term

“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans” ~Allen Saunders

At the end of the school year, we finally received an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) for my son. An IEP defines individualized educational goals for children determined to have a disability and any accommodations that need to be made to help achieve those goals. Before the summer break, we sat with our lawyer across the table from the school district to talk about the specific details of my son’s goals and accommodations for the third grade.

Even though the start of the school year was only two months away, we knew that whatever we put into the plan was likely to change before the first day of third grade. We knew because it always does. We’ve tried different schedules and approaches before we had the IEP. They might work for a few weeks until we change a medication or until his fatigue builds up so much that he can’t function and we need to adjust.

The same goes for other aspects of his life. The constant variance of his seizure burden and his mental and physical stamina means that we can rarely look too far into the future. Sometimes, we plan for a week or a few weeks in advance. We might plan a vacation a few months away because we know that, wherever we are, we can make it work for a short period of time. But we’ve learned that putting things in the calendar is more of a suggestion or a placeholder than it is a commitment.

Most of our plans are short-term plans. We look ahead at the next day or the next week and try to plan our lives. My son’s health is unpredictable. His physical health. His mental state. It constantly changes. The decisions we make any given day, like skipping a nap, can have consequences that change any plans that we’ve had. Extra seizures one morning. An accumulation of exhaustion that we didn’t see building up. We’re adapting more than we’re predicting by adjusting our plan moment to moment based on where he is physically and mentally.

We rarely look beyond that because we have no idea what the future has in store for my son. We still contribute to an education savings account for my son because I don’t want to consider the possibility that he won’t need it. We’ve put off estate and custody discussions because these conversations are impossible and because planning that far out seems futile. Things change day-to-day and month to month so planning for years away seems impossible.

“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” The Allen Saunders quote is often attributed to John Lennon because he popularized it in Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy).

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we’ll both just have to be patient
‘Cause it’s a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes, it’s a long way to go
But in the meantime
Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans

I know the future is going to come whether we want it to or not and whether we know what it has in store for us or not. Maybe I’m trying to give him the best life I can in the present. Maybe we’re just trying to focus on living our lives and taking each unpredictable day as it comes. Maybe I focus on the short-term because I’m too afraid to think about the long-term and what that the doctors think might be in store for him.

We have a long way to go, and it’s a hard row to hoe. But in the meantime, before you cross the street, take my hand.

July 31, 2018
Inconsiderate Epilepsy

It was a few days before a big meeting that I was organizing at work. I was pulling together the leadership teams involved with a project that I am working on to talk about our progress. It was a big deal and I wore my anxiety like a jacket. Even if I wasn’t preparing for the meeting, I was thinking about it. I was stressing about it.

The meeting was on Tuesday. On the Sunday before, we were having a good day. We saw a movie. My son went to the park with a friend and I worked on my slides for the meeting. That night, though, my son started to act strangely. He was skirting boundaries. He played with an outdoor ball in the house. He started to play a little too dangerously with his foam baseball bat. I asked if he was okay and which way his brain was going and he said he was fine and that his brain was going forward, but I sensed something was off.

When it was bedtime, my wife started to get him ready and I fired up the laptop to work on my presentation. But when she asked him to clean up his toys, he started to throw a fit. It escalated quickly and before I knew it, I was sitting on the ground holding him. We tried to work on his breathing exercises and his coping skills but he was past the point of listening.

He was trying to hit us, spit on us, and calling us by our first names and saying mean things. For more than thirty minutes, I sat on the floor, holding my son, trying to comfort him. A few months ago, these episodes were happening all the time. Now, they are rare. But whether they are constant or rare, the impact of seeing your son struggle with his emotional regulation and become someone else is painful. After he finally came out of it and we put him to bed, I tried to work on my presentation, but I couldn’t. I was so shaken up.

The next day, I went to work thinking about the night before and also stressing about the meeting that was now only a day away. It’s not easy to go in the next day and tune out the night before. It’s the same when he has more seizures during the night than he normally does. I show up to work stressed and tired but try to focus on my work. I just hope it doesn’t happen on a day where I have to be “on.”

Epilepsy doesn’t care what else you have going on. Epilepsy didn’t care about my big meeting. It doesn’t care that we’re on vacation. It doesn’t care that we have plans.

My son had seizures on the baseball field. Seizures in Hawaii. At Disney world. A seizure in the pool. At school. But it’s not just seizures, it’s the overmedicated, the behavioral issues, the fatigue. Epilepsy and its entourage can show up anywhere, anytime.

When it does, you can’t send it away. Everything else gets pushed down the priority list. You have to deal with it right now.

And then, after you are done dealing with it, you figure out how to transition out of crisis mode. You go to work or you go to school and figure out how to go back to normal.

“Normal”, as if it’s a different place. But it isn’t. This is our normal.

July 24, 2018

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About

I’m Dave. I write about raising a son with refractory epilepsy.
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